“What am I doing wrong?” “Why do I always end up with the wrong guy?”
If you’ve been dating long enough, I’m sure these words have escaped your lips before.
I’m sure you’ve wracked your brain—and your friends’ brains—trying to figure out why you always end up with the wrong guy.
Dating is tough—especially if you don’t know the rules.
But this is why this guide exists, so rest assured. I’ve got you covered.
I’m gonna break down where women go wrong in dating and how to fix it;
- Playing The Cool Girl: We’ve all played this role before, and by now we all know that it isn’t very rewarding. One of the worst qualities to have that often results in relationship failure is stubbornness. While agreeableness is great, it needs to have it’s limits, and those limits are called boundaries and standards. Agreeableness without boundaries and standards makes us a doormat and it makes it easy to settle for whatever is being offered to us. For more on how to stop being too agreeable, check out Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Be Cool Girl. In order to attract the person for you, you need to be authentic. And you need boundaries and standards to help filter the good apples from the bad ones.
- Wanting The Ring Syndrome: This is what I call dating any guy that showers us with attention, even if they don’t have the qualities we require. It also entails wanting to be someone’s girlfriend just for the sake of the title, even if the guy isn’t the right fit for us. Part of this stems from not knowing what we want and/or paying attention to superficial qualities as opposed to qualities that guarantee longevity. Being in a relationship—or being married—is not the goal. Finding a quality guy is. If you want the right guy, focus on who he is, not what he looks like, what he drives or how charming he is. Does you even really like the guy? And, does he have the qualities you really desire and what it takes to create a healthy long term relationship?
- Chasing A Guy: In almost every dynamic in the animal kingdom, the male pursues the female and yet we as humans do the opposite. This, more often than not, leads to our own demise. It’s hard to gauge a man’s level of interest and intentions if we’re busy pursuing him. While it’s important to show interest and to reciprocate, doing too much can blind us to what would have been obvious signs that a guy is into us, but not that into us. You can make the first move—that is, tell a guy you like him—but allow him to pursue you.
- Giving Up The Goodies Too Soon: Having sex too soon is almost never a good idea—especially if you’re a woman or have attachment wounds. Psychology says that when we have sex, the hormone responsibility for bonding gets released. Our ability to be objective pretty much goes out the window after that, which means we could easily pick the wrong guy. Now listen, I’m not telling you what to do. When it comes to your body you have full autonomy. However if you want a better chance at picking the right guy then delaying sex is the way to go. Also sexual compatibility is important, but contrary to popular belief you can work on sexual chemistry.
- Rationalising: Women have a tendency of making men more complex than they are. Our dating experience as well as films like He’s Just Not That Into You illustrate this well. When a guy behaves in ways that are contradictory, rather than taking that as a sign of deceit, we make a conjecture that’s overly complicated. Nine times out of ten, the simplest answer is usually the answer. This means if a guy says he likes you but doesn’t call, he’s just not that into you. Don’t rationalise. Ask yourself, what is the simplest answer?
- Dating Potential: Too often we date men we know aren’t a good fit because we focus on who they can be. And too often this results in a man failing to meet our expectations and resentment. So how do we fix this? By dating the person in front of us, not who they can or who we want them to be.
- Ignorance: This is not an insult. By ignorance I mean our lack of awareness of the factors driving our decisions and behaviour. Factors like loneliness, attachment wounds, attachments styles, etc. By now, we all know that we don’t date people who are good for us, but people who feel familiar. If you don’t check out Why Dating Is Hard. There you will also find the solution to this problem.
- Focusing Too Much On “The Spark”: We’ve been programmed to believe that feeling a spark is an indicator of true love. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The spark is an indication of many things—attraction, familiarity—but true love and compatibility isn’t one of them. Again check out Why Dating Is Hard for more on this. If you want love and compatibility invest in the slow burn; get to know people over a period of time. Allow people to surprise you.
So… these are the eight deadly dating faux pas that women make.
But fortunately, as you’ve noticed, these are easily remediable.
In fact I’ve helped a couple of women completely change their dating experience with my Girlfriends’ Guide To Dating Program.
In this program I help woman alter their approach to dating over two months so they can attract the highest form of love available for them.
If you’re tired of ending up in the same unfulfilling relationships with the same men in different suits, tired of dates that go nowhere, want to sign up for or learn more about my program click here.
If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.
I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need.
I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers.
Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates.
Need advice or coaching? Click here.
Until my next column… Ciao for now xx
Ask Kelley 