How I Became A Sex God.

 

“I’m about to give you the best sex of your life,” he said, then he proceeded to arouse nothing but pure boredom from me.

 

If you’ve been on the streets long enough, you’ve probably come across one or two people who claimed to provide 5-star sex only for them to provide you with rancid motel sex. Dirty, but not in the best way.

 

I not only left the former mentioned encounter painfully underwhelmed, but I also started to question my own sex game.

 

I was no stranger to sending, what I would do to you texts but it had never occurred to me that I could be abysmally bad at sex. I knew I wasn’t a sex god and that I had so much to learn, but I didn’t think I was that bad.

 

No one had left me a bad review, but I was wise enough to know that that didn’t mean that I wasn’t bad at sex. I knew that I had some work to do, so did my research.

 

Pop psychology tells us that the best way to become great at sex is hooking up with a ton of people. Without much examination this seems like great advice. After all, practice makes perfect right?

 

But if hooking up with a ton of people makes you great at sex then how do we account for the people with enough bodies to be considered the human equivalent to a graveyard? Specifically, the men who leave plenty of women unsatisfied. Surely there’s more to becoming great at sex than increasing your body count.

 

A guy I met on Tinder a few years ago shared the fact that he used to read Cosmopolitan to understand what women wanted with regards to sex. At the time, I not only thought this was funny, but pretty wise as well.

 

I got my hands on every sexology book I could find and buried my head in them until I absorb everything in them. In addition to learning about all kinds of positions and methods of facilitating pleasure, I also learned about the anatomy of both men and women, and all the pleasure points that exist on the body.

 

This helped me navigate two other important keys I discovered were crucial to having great sex; embodiment and knowing what you works for you.

 

Embodiment is the state of being fully present and attuned to the sensations in your body. No preoccupation with thoughts about ourselves or our partner, or performance anxiety.

 

While I’d never struggled with being present during sex or knowing what turns me on, I hadn’t fully unlocked my pleasure potential.

 

Two things helped me immensely in this department; discovering my erotic blueprint and pleasure mapping.

 

Once I discovered what my erotic blueprint was, I was able to set a scene that allowed for complete relaxation, map my body with the aid of sexual paraphernalia, and discover new erogenous zones.

 

Discovering that one of my top erotic blueprints is kinky led me to do research on kinks. Here I learned that kinks, at their core, were not as grotesque as many people make them out to be.

 

Learning about the motivation behind each kink allowed to be embrace mine and shed the shame that had previously accompanied them.

 

Once I got clear on everything I needed before, during, and after sex to have the most pleasurable and memorable experience, I was free to do the following key; communicate.

 

Most of my sexual experiences up to this point hadn’t included a conversation about likes, dislikes, or anything for that matter. Organs were being rearranged, but no party would dare utter the words, “so what are you into?” Another thing to blame the patriarchy for, I suppose.

 

It became abundantly clear to me, during an episode of Big Mouth (S02E05), that I had to learn how to communicate my likes and dislikes. If I couldn’t talk about sex, then maybe I shouldn’t be having it. So, I decided to learn how to effectively communicate my desires.

 

In doing so, it became clear that my fears around communicating my desires were irrational. Even having shared my darkest fantasies, I still wasn’t met with judgement and it felt amazing.

 

Something that I didn’t think would be relevant to becoming great at sex—and that a lot of people wouldn’t either—is becoming health conscious.

 

I don’t mean eating healthy or exercising, although that is important. I mean managing stress and other mental/physical related issues.

 

When I was struggling with PTSD related anxiety and depression, I had a hard time getting and staying aroused. It wasn’t until I dealt with my mental health that I was able to not only get aroused but have more satisfying sex. The antidepressants became another obstacle of their own, but the healthier I became, the better orgasms I had.

 

Having said all of this, hooking can be a great tool to explore and unlock your pleasure potential, but it isn’t the only path to becoming great at sex.

Not everyone has the desire to have a ho phase, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And, it certainly doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be bad at sex.

At the end of the day, the real key to becoming a “sex god” is information, embodiment, self-knowledge, health, unlearning shame and communication.