How To Practice Self-compassion.

“I am selfish,” “I am a bad person,” “I am not enough,”

These are some of the thoughts I’ve had about myself and willing to bet that you’ve had them about yourself too. 

All of us have an inner critic. 

Some of us have one whose voice is a whisper while others have one whose voice suffocates us.

We all know what it’s like to be hard on ourselves—for trivial or very serious things—and not have the tools to be able to change that.

We criticise ourselves for several reasons; to improve ourselves, to get ahead of other people’s critiques, to enforce limits.

And while it can be helpful to look at ourselves objectively and try to improve ourselves, criticising ourselves can be incredibly harmful.

So how do we counter this? Via self-compassion.

Self compassion is defined by Kristen Neff as extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering.  

Self-compassion is essential, but how do we extend compassion to ourselves?

First, be aware of how you speak to yourself and about yourself. 

Do you shame yourself for every mistake you make? 

Do you make self-depricating jokes or speak unkindly of yourself to your loved ones?

Recognise when you’re doing this and stop.

Don’t judge yourself for judging yourself, simply stop doing it.

Another thing you can try is writing down all the negative things you say about yourself throughout the day and reading them at a later point.

This not only serves the purpose of showing you how unkind you can be to yourself but also how ridiculous the thoughts you have can be. 

As you’re going through the list ask yourself if you would say those exact thoughts to a loved one.

Chances are you wouldn’t, so why say them to yourself? 

Remind yourself that you are only human and that you are worthy of grace.

Be more forgiving of yourself, let mistakes go. 

Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a loved one.

Another thing you can do is challenge your inner critic by being objective. 

Say, for example, your inner critic tells you you’re unlovable, ask yourself why you of all people were created to be unlovable.

Ask yourself how it’s possible for everyone but you to be loved.

If this alone hasn’t made you realise how ridiculous the thought is, sit down and list the people who do or have loved you.

Even if there might not be a lot of names, chances are you will be able to come up with empirical evidence of love in your life.

Another thing you can do is to embrace your every aspect of yourself; the good and the “bad”.

You are not perfect, you are not infallible. You are flawed.

But guess what? So is everyone else. 

We tend to judge ourselves as if we’re the only ones with certain flaws.

But, if we were to sit in a room with other people and we all had the courage to own and share our flaws, we’d realise that we’re not alone.

You are flawed but you are so much more than your flaws. 

You are flawed but you are still worthy.

The last thing you can do is to build a habit of being kind to yourself. 

If you criticise yourself often it’s because you’re created a habit of focusing on your mistakes and criticising yourself.

To counter that, spend more time doing the opposite. 

Celebrate your wins, pat yourself on the back.

Begin and end each day by repeating affirmations. 

And again, opt out of any critical thoughts. 

It’s not easy, it will take practise. 

But with time the way you speak to yourself will change and you’ll be able to feel more at home in your own mind.

So, are you overly critical of yourself? What exercises have you learnt to manage this? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂 

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Until my next column… Ciao for now xx